Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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