i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
