Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
