One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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