So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
