Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
