Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
