Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
