Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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