Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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