sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So squirting runs in the family.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Randomize
