there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
