I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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