she was so not down for the gang bang
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize