Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
