I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
