Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
