smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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