i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
honey bunches of taint.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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