Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
