People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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