Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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