I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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