We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
