I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
