Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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