So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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