My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
