like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
