I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
