She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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