did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
