i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
