If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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