had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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