Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
