i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
