gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
