He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
