I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
