take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
