Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
