i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't tell me you're on acid again
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
