So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize