dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize