I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
