I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
