Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
