dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
