you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
