So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
