I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize