My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
