When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
