I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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