Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
