You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
