someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
