I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
