You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
where am i from again
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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