I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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