i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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