Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize